The Shinigami Before They Were Shinigami
by Marshallmallow
Summary: A series of five monologues about what the shinigami lives were like before they became shinigami. (Rated M for suicide and swearing) (Trigger warning: Suicide in every monologue. Mental illness/asylum themes in Ronald's.)
1. Alan Humphries

"I was a peasant from Preussen in The Holy Roman Empire. My name was Friedrich Otto. It feels so strange saying that name, now. I haven't said it in forever, really. I lived with my father and mother and younger sister, Bruna. She was two years younger than I was. We were Jewish, and studied our faith very seriously. Our culture, too, was a large part of our lives. Now, this was before... well, that, but antisemitism definitely existed. But, we lived on a farm, away from most people, so we were alright. I was always such a strong child. I worked on the farm until I was twenty-two. Then there was a dry spell and our crops were failing and we were all dehydrated. Somebody bought the land not too far from us. He and his family were all strong, muscular and blonde. I remember... His daughter was so beautiful. I admit, I was enamored. I didn't even know her name, but sometimes I would happen to see her go out into the fields and she... she was so beautiful. But their crops failed, too, and they blamed us! They thought we were at fault, that somehow, we were greedily stealing all the water. Of course, this was not true, for our crops were failing as well.

"One morning, I smelled smoke. I woke up with a start. This was not my mother or sister cooking breakfast, no, but this was fire. Before... Before I knew what even happened I was swallowed by the smoke and ash. I lived, though, managing to crawl away from the house fire. My family... they did not live. Not even my sister. Our house and barn were burnt to the ground. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take being without my family and being sick from the dust and ash still in my lungs. About a month after the fire, I killed myself. I strangled myself with my belt, as I had no other means of killing myself. And then... they called me a reaper and gave me a new name; Alan George Humphries. They taught me English and told me to train to be an officer for the London Shinigami Dispatch Society. And so I am."

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 **This is obviously just my headcanons and interpretations, and in no way at all is fact. In fact, I don't think Alan even has a canon middle name, I just made one up.**


	2. Eric Slingby

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: Abuse, bullying. (And suicide, but that was already mentioned in the description)**

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"I was born in England to a horrible family. My mother was Japanese and my father was English. I also had a brother, Alistair. They were all disgusting people.

"I remember as a child, my father would yell at me and my brother. He'd tell us we were accidents, you know? That we weren't meant to be around. We should never of been born. We weren't worth it. Eventually, that lead to nearly weekly beatings by the time we were teenagers. I guess... I guess Alistair and I are two different examples of how people take abuse. I'm not saying I took it well, I mean, nobody does, but... Alistair became evil. He would abuse other people, presumably for a sense of power. He was a bully in highschool. Not only was a bully to others, but he was a bully to me.

"God, and during this time I was discovering my sexuality, you know? I didn't like girls. Not one bit. I mean, friends, sure. But girlfriends? Sex? Ew. Not my thing. And I found another guy, right? His name was Biff, and he got good grades and played sports and everything. Unlike me... at that time, I was drinking and smoking and not caring about grades or sports. Anyway, so Biff and I had sex. And some cruel-hearted bastard walked in on us and that was that. Biff was killed by his friends. I, not really having friends to begin with, wasn't. But Alistair... when Alistair found out, he hit me. And he didn't stop hitting me until I was screaming and begging for mercy. Dear god, I was sixteen! And Alistair did stop eventually, but he... he told me mom and dad would be so much better off if I was dead. They don't need to know I'm gay, they don't need that burden because I'm a burden already. And god, I fucking believed him. Why did I believe him? To be fair, there were other deciding factors. Biff being dead, other bullies, a lifetime of abuse with further abuse to come... so I did it. I found a kitchen knife and I stabbed myself in the stomach until I bled to death on my mother's kitchen floor. Before I knew it... I was somewhere else, but god, it wasn't heaven or hell. I was a grim reaper. They told me to train for the London Shinigami Dispatch Society and offered me a new name (Eric Slingby), and a new life. I didn't have much of a choice, honestly, but... if it meant a second chance at a better life, yeah, I'd take it."


	3. Grell Sutcliff

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: Transgender hate crime**

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"Well, what do you expect? I was born in London, a little boy named Robert Brooks. I was born into poor family. In that era, you were either rich or poor. There was no other class, really. My mother was lovely and so was my father. I was an only child. Besides wealth, my life looked perfectly happy on paper. Wonderful parents, both with minimum wage jobs, a criminal-based yet oddly friendly neighborhood, and a roof over my head. But I wasn't happy and I didn't realize why until I was twelve. I... was gay. Or so I thought.

"By the time I was fifteen I finally got things figured out. I was a woman. I am a woman, actually. And no, I didn't look like a woman and I had a penis and everything, but... I didn't feel like a boy. I don't even know how to describe it better than that besides... I'm a woman.

"And so what? Lay low, never tell a soul, marry a woman, you'll be fine, right? No. I couldn't do that. At least by the time I was eighteen, I didn't think so. Maybe it was stupid, and it probably was, but I... I wore a dress outside. And I got beaten up, of course. Left for dead, in fact. But I didn't die. Sometimes I wish I had, though, but that damn fire in me was way too strong to let it go out. I lived and I never wore a dress ever again. However, I was plagued with nightmares and memories of being left for dead. It was as if I had a case of soldier's heart, but I was no soldier, anything but. I didn't deserve that title of traumatization. I still don't. I couldn't take the memories of these random men attacking me all at once, this group of college friends. I think they were drunk. I remember it all so vividly, and yet, it's also a blur.

"I poisoned myself one night, desperate to stop the memories. It didn't stop the memories. But now... now I have a new name. Grell Sutcliff. And life... it's better. I'm still not respected as a woman, even by my loved ones, yet, I am relatively safe."

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 **To clarify, "soldier's heart" and "traumatization" were both old-fashioned terms for PTSD.**


	4. Ronald Knox

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mental asylum, mental illness (and suicide)**

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"I was always deemed crazy, from a very young child. I would talk to imaginary people and animals and fear the imaginary thunder and lightning. I never made eye contact with real people, in fear they'd hurt me, even my own mother. At the age of ten, my mother put me into a mental asylum and I was diagnosed with dementia praecox. They'd beat us with sticks when we screamed. It was no place for an already psychotic soul. At the age of seventeen, I think it was, I... I don't even remember it well. I was on the verge of doing it anyway, with how they treated us in the asylum but... my hallucinations egged me on. They told me to do it, how I'd feel better, it would make everything better. I never thought they'd be right. When I drowned myself in the bath, I became a grim reaper. My life has been better ever since, complete with medication, a proper diagnosis, love and support."

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 **To clarify, dementia praecox was the first word used to describe the symptoms of schizophrenia. And for those of you wondering, I did a lot of research on asylums and schizophrenia and have experience with schizophrenia, I didn't just write this with no knowledge.**


	5. William T Spears

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: LGBT+ related suicide**

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"My employees make many assumptions and rumors of my past. Some say I abused my wife or I was a murderer or something else awful and cruel. But that's not true. This is the truth.

"I was born in Essex. My childhood was pretty normal, actually. I had a mother and a father and two siblings. I loved them all very much.

"I never knew what was wrong with me. When they taught sexual education, I didn't care. When they said all us boys would become interested in women... I wasn't. I wasn't interested in men, either. I just... wasn't interested. And that continued my whole life. I married a woman, however, named Clara. She was lovely. She wanted children so badly. She told me it was her only life's wish. So, we did the obvious. Well... we tried. It wasn't that I was infertile or anything, nor was she. I was just... I was so... I couldn't... I wasn't physically attracted to her. I mean, I think I loved her, but I'm not sure if it was even a romantic love or not. I just couldn't get... excited. So we tried over and over again in different situations, but each time became more distressing than the last. With all the pressure put on the two of us, neither of us could get in the mood and we got nowhere. But she never left me. She was loyal to the end. But I wasn't. No, I didn't cheat on her, but I did not stay with Clara. I shot myself with the musket we kept above the mantel. I didn't do it on a whim, I had thought this out for a long while. I couldn't continue to hurt Clara like that. I knew she'd never leave me, even if I told her to, even though I couldn't fulfill Clara's dream. And in the end, I did end up hurting Clara, I suppose. By killing myself, Clara must've been heartbroken. But it was for her own good and it was for the good of the entire situation."

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 **My newest headcanon about William is that he's asexual, aromantic and agender. I dunno, I just get that vibe.**


End file.
